Sometimes small things can be so perfect..they make you forget....they make you tremble and doubt everything you thought to be strong and irreplaceable...
vineri, 27 iunie 2008
HOME...............
HOME..........
someone told me that when you want it the most there's no easy way out and that we have to live bad things in order to appreciate the nice ones!
it might be true, but i do not see the point.....
i've made mistakes, and quite a few, i had my share of guilt and shame, i regret some of my actions, some of my sayings, but should anyone pay so hard????
are my crimes that severe that i have to pay so hard????
i shouldn't complain ...i have so much...i reached so high...i am am on top....and still i would give up so very many lest i should feel....feel those feelings that give you wigs, that make you fly, that give you strength to move everything around you and fight every hard thing...the support you might count on in case you fall...the certainty that there is someone to catch you...the joy that no tear you shed is in vain....that shoulder you could lean on when life is getting tough...the arms which are around you when you need to rest just for one second....the ideea that someone is waiting for you...any minute...any second...any instant.......i think it's called "home"......yes..."home"..not love, not passion, not certainty, not stability...just "home".
i am one of the few people who...at a certain point had it all...i even had a "home"...and god it feels good!
tonight i danced...the first dance in a very long time..the song was nice...the arms around me felt so close...our cheeks stuck in a gentle touch...I felt his body...the tender light...the soft perfume...and inside i was screaming...aking so hard...i felt that not fall before provoked such endless pain..the past was there, the present as well, and i just wanted air...and the embrace became even closer....and his arms caught me harder and held me even tighter..as if he felt ......
i felt so good, so protected, so wanted, and yet the pain...the pain was tearing me apart....and then the gentle touch faded away....I couldn't smell the soft perfume.....I couldn't see the tender light....i was just drawning in my own past and present.....i wanted air...i wanted to breathe and let go....and lose myself within that embrace, and feel....feel his cheek gently pressing mine, and taste the tenderness of the moment itself, and catch those arms around me me...so willing to pull me through and bring me back to light...such a want...such a dispair to be able to catch a thread which might have given me a hope....and...above all that...the reason dictating me that this was only a way to try to erase all the demons of the past and hide away from them.....that he is not the one i want...that the one who should have danced with me tonight is so far away and that there is no hope of having him around me....why???? the chance was there....i just couldn't take it! why???? it was perfect...and yet...not suitable!
i will never be able to understand why things have to be so complicated! i will never be able to understand why the moments you imagine with someone are to be lived with someone else...i cannot possibly understand why does it have to hurt that much....why do i always have to fight so much and so hard for the smallest thread of hope.....and most of it i will never understand why such moments of total, utter, and complete darkness have to exist.....theres should always be a small light......as much as i try....i cannot see it...and i admit, it might be that i am blind!
someone told me that when you want it the most there's no easy way out and that we have to live bad things in order to appreciate the nice ones!
it might be true, but i do not see the point.....
i've made mistakes, and quite a few, i had my share of guilt and shame, i regret some of my actions, some of my sayings, but should anyone pay so hard????
are my crimes that severe that i have to pay so hard????
i shouldn't complain ...i have so much...i reached so high...i am am on top....and still i would give up so very many lest i should feel....feel those feelings that give you wigs, that make you fly, that give you strength to move everything around you and fight every hard thing...the support you might count on in case you fall...the certainty that there is someone to catch you...the joy that no tear you shed is in vain....that shoulder you could lean on when life is getting tough...the arms which are around you when you need to rest just for one second....the ideea that someone is waiting for you...any minute...any second...any instant.......i think it's called "home"......yes..."home"..not love, not passion, not certainty, not stability...just "home".
i am one of the few people who...at a certain point had it all...i even had a "home"...and god it feels good!
tonight i danced...the first dance in a very long time..the song was nice...the arms around me felt so close...our cheeks stuck in a gentle touch...I felt his body...the tender light...the soft perfume...and inside i was screaming...aking so hard...i felt that not fall before provoked such endless pain..the past was there, the present as well, and i just wanted air...and the embrace became even closer....and his arms caught me harder and held me even tighter..as if he felt ......
i felt so good, so protected, so wanted, and yet the pain...the pain was tearing me apart....and then the gentle touch faded away....I couldn't smell the soft perfume.....I couldn't see the tender light....i was just drawning in my own past and present.....i wanted air...i wanted to breathe and let go....and lose myself within that embrace, and feel....feel his cheek gently pressing mine, and taste the tenderness of the moment itself, and catch those arms around me me...so willing to pull me through and bring me back to light...such a want...such a dispair to be able to catch a thread which might have given me a hope....and...above all that...the reason dictating me that this was only a way to try to erase all the demons of the past and hide away from them.....that he is not the one i want...that the one who should have danced with me tonight is so far away and that there is no hope of having him around me....why???? the chance was there....i just couldn't take it! why???? it was perfect...and yet...not suitable!
i will never be able to understand why things have to be so complicated! i will never be able to understand why the moments you imagine with someone are to be lived with someone else...i cannot possibly understand why does it have to hurt that much....why do i always have to fight so much and so hard for the smallest thread of hope.....and most of it i will never understand why such moments of total, utter, and complete darkness have to exist.....theres should always be a small light......as much as i try....i cannot see it...and i admit, it might be that i am blind!
miercuri, 11 iunie 2008
still life
Cand ai senzatia ca nu poti duce mai mult de atat..atunci se intampla...si te lasa fara rasuflare..fara replica..mut in fata intamplarilor. Dupa toate astea, haosul, debusolarea, miile de drumuri care ti se deschid in fata fara a sti ce sa alegi, o libertate bolnavicioasa care nu face decat sa te oboseasca, teama de a lua o pauza, fantomele trecutului, angoasa gandului "ce ar fi fost daca", pana cand nu mai poti respira...te sufoci...incerci sa respiri.....nu iti iese...inca odata....aer....aer.......nu merge....te inneci...ametesti...nu ai aer...cazi....doare....izbitura te nauceste....te sufoci in continuare....nu exista aer.....orice...orice ....numai aer sa fie....dar nu e...un tiuit iti amuteste auzul.....e liniste...atat de liniste incat tiuitul te scoate din mintzi...ca si cand lumea ar fi numai a lui...el...TIUITUL care domneste peste tot si toate!
Nimic din ce a fost nu mai e, esti deviat de la toate, ca un nou nascut, trebuie sa iei totul de la zero si sa construiesti....te apuca o usoara enrvare...intrebare de ce eu?? sau de ce mie???...ca atunci cand ai pirdut ultimul nivel la un joc, si tre sa o iei de la zero...te apuca toti nervii.....reset nu ai cum sa dai....si ce ramane???? Lupta...cu tine insati, cu fantomele, cu frica, cu amintirile, cu oboseala...dar mai presus de toate...lupta cu tituitul......acel tziuit care nu face sa iti aminteasca de linistea care te inconjoara....si asa...mai trece o zi, si inca o zi pana cand ajungi sa realizezi ca te-a cuprins...si nu te mai lasa.....singuratatea....
Nimic din ce a fost nu mai e, esti deviat de la toate, ca un nou nascut, trebuie sa iei totul de la zero si sa construiesti....te apuca o usoara enrvare...intrebare de ce eu?? sau de ce mie???...ca atunci cand ai pirdut ultimul nivel la un joc, si tre sa o iei de la zero...te apuca toti nervii.....reset nu ai cum sa dai....si ce ramane???? Lupta...cu tine insati, cu fantomele, cu frica, cu amintirile, cu oboseala...dar mai presus de toate...lupta cu tituitul......acel tziuit care nu face sa iti aminteasca de linistea care te inconjoara....si asa...mai trece o zi, si inca o zi pana cand ajungi sa realizezi ca te-a cuprins...si nu te mai lasa.....singuratatea....
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