HOME...............

HOME..........
someone told me that when you want it the most there's no easy way out and that we have to live bad things in order to appreciate the nice ones!
it might be true, but i do not see the point.....
i've made mistakes, and quite a few, i had my share of guilt and shame, i regret some of my actions, some of my sayings, but should anyone pay so hard????
are my crimes that severe that i have to pay so hard????
i shouldn't complain ...i have so much...i reached so high...i am am on top....and still i would give up so very many lest i should feel....feel those feelings that give you wigs, that make you fly, that give you strength to move everything around you and fight every hard thing...the support you might count on in case you fall...the certainty that there is someone to catch you...the joy that no tear you shed is in vain....that shoulder you could lean on when life is getting tough...the arms which are around you when you need to rest just for one second....the ideea that someone is waiting for you...any minute...any second...any instant.......i think it's called "home"......yes..."home"..not love, not passion, not certainty, not stability...just "home".
i am one of the few people who...at a certain point had it all...i even had a "home"...and god it feels good!
tonight i danced...the first dance in a very long time..the song was nice...the arms around me felt so close...our cheeks stuck in a gentle touch...I felt his body...the tender light...the soft perfume...and inside i was screaming...aking so hard...i felt that not fall before provoked such endless pain..the past was there, the present as well, and i just wanted air...and the embrace became even closer....and his arms caught me harder and held me even tighter..as if he felt ......
i felt so good, so protected, so wanted, and yet the pain...the pain was tearing me apart....and then the gentle touch faded away....I couldn't smell the soft perfume.....I couldn't see the tender light....i was just drawning in my own past and present.....i wanted air...i wanted to breathe and let go....and lose myself within that embrace, and feel....feel his cheek gently pressing mine, and taste the tenderness of the moment itself, and catch those arms around me me...so willing to pull me through and bring me back to light...such a want...such a dispair to be able to catch a thread which might have given me a hope....and...above all that...the reason dictating me that this was only a way to try to erase all the demons of the past and hide away from them.....that he is not the one i want...that the one who should have danced with me tonight is so far away and that there is no hope of having him around me....why???? the chance was there....i just couldn't take it! why???? it was perfect...and yet...not suitable!
i will never be able to understand why things have to be so complicated! i will never be able to understand why the moments you imagine with someone are to be lived with someone else...i cannot possibly understand why does it have to hurt that much....why do i always have to fight so much and so hard for the smallest thread of hope.....and most of it i will never understand why such moments of total, utter, and complete darkness have to exist.....theres should always be a small light......as much as i try....i cannot see it...and i admit, it might be that i am blind!